De Toga op een Kiertje: Remain a safe haven for your kids, also after the divorce …

Children are special creatures. They are sensitive and vulnerable. They are like mirrors, honest and straightforward. According to Khalil Gibran in his book of prose poetry, we, the adults, may give them love, yet they belong not to us – the parents -, they do not belong to you, even if they are with you. You may house their bodies but not their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow.

The emulsifier is gone
There is much sadness and stress in a divorce. The parents are going to live in two separate houses because they can no longer bear one another’s presence. To be able to let each other go, they do understand that they have to go and live apart, that they should not meet, see and feel one another too often. The energy around them is a reflection of the state of their minds. Those energies can no longer be mixed as they used to before. The emulsifier is gone, the energies clash and reject each other. The change in the energy can also be sensed in the house in which the father or the mother are living. The sadness and anger are making themselves felt everywhere. 

Let the sun shine
The children who week after week move along alternately in a care arrangement are transferred from the house with one divorce energy to the house with the other rejected energy. Parents are usually not aware of that. They wonder why their child is so tired. But they do not realize that their energy also has an effect on their children. The child does not know that that heavy often dark energy surrounds him or her and makes him/her feel exhausted, but the child does feel the heaviness. Energy draining. Exhausting and energy robbing. Therefore, it is very important that divorcing parents provide distraction and arrange for their house to be made fresh, to let in air and light. A parent who is able to let the light in, will relieve himself or herself and the child.

Reflection
Knowing that you can react emotionally and that by that, unintentionally, you sound harder, more angry and sharper is a given fact. Therefore, distance yourself in time. Allow yourself more space. To let off steam. Allow the other person to take time and space, too. It is necessary. At a distance you have a better view of what is going on than when you are right in the middle of it. Take your time for matters to sink in and for reflection. Do realize that things said in an emotional state should not be taken literally. Hear the despair. Be wise.

Do you recognize the lyrics?

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it, this time we’re through

Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
Knowing me, knowing you
It’s the best I can do

Walking through an empty house
Tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

(ABBA 1976 and still relevant)

Primal force
Parents carry their own pain and frustration and unconsciously they also encircle the members of the family in the house. The reason for leaving can be very diverse. Years have passed by, it started as a little crack. All of a sudden the crack has grown into a gap. A tiny scratch on a painting draws all the attention and as a result you are no longer able to see the beauty of the image. The only thing you can do is let go. The pain that is released is enormous, greater than you can imagine. A primal force.

Love & Attention
You should be aware that ultimately everyone needs love and attention. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you will be able to join in with the other parent again. It is that connection which is crucial for the well-being of the children. It seems paradoxical. Yet, that movement in the opposite direction is needed to be able to bridge the gap again, right through the pain. After all, they should not be worried about their parents. They want to discover the world and find a safe haven in parenthood.

See yourself in every single person they all want to be loved –

Lao tse